Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
