Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
