I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Randomize
