i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
