I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
