I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
