I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
