We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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