My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
