Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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