Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
