Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
