You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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