Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
