Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
