I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
