I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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