God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Randomize
