peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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