you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
