...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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