new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.