Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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