The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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