My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
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I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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