We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
