i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
