I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
