shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
