i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
