Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
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Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
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Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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