Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
