Swine flu. Run for my life!
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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