I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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