Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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