Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i need some magic done to my vagina
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
