just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
