ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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