if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
