So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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