I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I cut my penus on the lid.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
