what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
