im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
