Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
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My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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