"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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