My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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