I never want to see another naked old woman again.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
