After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
