I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
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So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
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She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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