Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
