It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
