I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I think people are normalizing furries
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
