i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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